Urbane Sprawl

A lot has changed since my last Poor Report two months ago (good god!). I celebrated my golden birthday, got heavy into the Heart discography, and moved from Los Angeles to Philadelphia. Despite these changes, once thing’s stayed the same: I’m still broke as shit.

I’ve been in Philly for just over a month, and it’s mercifully proved to be a lot more affordable than Los Angeles, which was one of the main reasons informing my move here in the first place. My rent is literally half the price in Philly, you can easily get slammed for under $10 on any given night, food is cheaper, it’s easier to steal (jk kind of!), etc. I’ve replaced my standard $4 Gold Room tequila + PBR special with the El Bar’s version of the Citywide - $3 for a whiskey + PBR pounder (this ‘pounder’ business is new to me too. It’s basically like a tall boy I guess but the same price as a can/pint anywhere in L.A.). Plus, I played the New Girl In Town card pretty hard the first couple weeks I was here, so when it just “happened” to come up in conversations with strangers at bars that I had just moved here, they jumped at the chance to show me what the City of Brotherly Love was all about by getting me faded for free. Gabe at Johnny Brenda’s: feel free to comp my drinks annnnytime ;) ;) <3 <3 *~~ ;) <3 ;)

Finding a new job has been a little harder than I thought –I’d accrued some false confidence when I had interviews lined up before I even got to Philly (none of which I got, hooray). My creepy job in L.A. offered to keep me on as a remote employee, but working this already-awful job from my house in West Philly is lonely and boring, so I was pumped when I had an interview for a barista job at some corporate faux-French coffee shop chain.

I ignored some red flags that should’ve clued me in to the lameness of this job. Like during the interview, when the guy asked me if I had any visible tattoos, I half-joked, “Not yet! But this is Philly! I gotta start working on my sleeves if I want to get any cred around here, ha-ha!”

“I hope you’re joking,” he snarled. “We take personal appearance very seriously here, and a tattoo’d staff is not the image we’d like to project at LPQ (p.s. ‘LPQ’? Who is this asshat?).”

I gulped and tried to recover with some remarks emphasizing my wholesome, bare-skinned, corporate-friendly nature, and Asshat offered me employment right then and there (another red flag. I coulda been real shady!). Anyway, I was pretty excited (too excited) despite his Asshatty-ness because it meant I could quit Creepy Remote Job once and for all.

So I show up at orientation the next week at 9:15am for the 9:30am meeting, patting myself on the back for getting out of bed before noon and showing up 15 minutes early. But sike! I roll into this joint with a spring in my step only to be met by a group of stone-faced squares obediently sitting at the table watching Asshat give a presentation about, I don’t know, W-9 forms or something. Turns out the orientation was at 9:00, not 9:30. Whooops!

“I was very clear about the 9:00am sharp start-time,” said Asshat. “I’m afraid I’m no longer able to offer you employment.”

I was all, “Actually you WEREN’T clear, motherfucker! I didn’t want to work here anyway! I want tattoos! Fuck you! Fuck the system!” I screamed before I socked him in the face and ran away.

So anyway, I’m quasi-jobless (again) and running out of money (again), so I’m going to do my best to resume the Poor Reports of yore. I’m in a new environment with new opportunities for Poor scheming (I found out that I can use my California food stamps here still, so that’s scheme #1 locked down), so I’m curious to see what *~zany*~ conniving ways I can live frugally in Philly (already a website, I checked).

I went to Vons and used that government cheddar to buy some foods, including a “lite” version of Moose Tracks ice cream. I had a lot of extra roll-over food stamps credit carried over from last month so I believed this extravagance was justified.

Then I watched like, a hundred episodes of “Sports Night” on Netflix Instant while I cleaned out my desk in preparation for my move. If any of you need/ want some office supplies, holler at me and I’ll hook you up. It’s really important to give back.

Poor Report Dy 99 Stats

Total money spent: $1.50 (one-way bus fare)

Total Barack Hussein Food Stamp dollas spent: $43

Mood: My internal monologue has taken on a wannabe Sorkinesque tone

I don’t have cable, but I do have to support my baby boy/ former next door neighbor Russell Westbrook of the Oklahoma City Thunder in his noble quest for an NBA championship title. So I went to my safe haven, the Gold Room, to watch their playoff game vs. the Memphis Grizzlies.

It’s a real joy to be at the Gold Room at 6:30 p.m. It’s quiet, friendly, and most importantly, empty. Or, most-most importantly, it’s a rare sight for the local barflies to see a young woman throwing back a tequila shot by herself before the sun sets —so rare, apparently, that they feel inclined to get the barmaid (is that PC?) to SEND OVER a free Gold Room special to said young woman. The barmaid was like, “I hope you don’t mind…but that gentleman (aka OLD-ASS MAN) over there wanted me to bring this over to you.” I was like, “Hellll no I don’t mind!” and gave him a little thank you gesture. Is that what you’re supposed to do? For dinner I just had the free Gold Room tacos, which were remarkably gristly, but loaded with (free) (horsemeat) protein.

I got out of tomboy mode when Sarah came over with wine and chocolate to watch Gossip Girl. Chuck Bass is soooo hot when he’s strung out! 

Poor Report Day 98 Stats

Total money spent: $6.50 (Gold Room special + tip; one-way bus fare)

Total free Gold Room specials sent over all ghetto Sex and the City-like: 1

Total free wines + chocolates: a lot!

Total Chuck Bass boners: 3-ish?

Total Russell Westbrook boners: 69 hahaha 69!!!

Mood: excited for all the diamonds Russell’s going to buy me with his inevitable championship bonus <3 <3 <3

Day 96: Highlights included sandwiches from the corner deli (on Mom), and watching hoops with my little bro. Didn’t feel inclined to leave the house, because that would’ve meant risking aggravated allergy assualt and the possibillity of running into someone I knew from high school.

Day 97: Mom’s Day! Since I’m strapped for cash but still not entirely self-centered, I made my mom a CD and decorated it all cute. My dad brought over donuts and my Grandma.

Then I had to take Ye Olde Amtrak back to L.A. Normally Amtrak’s not too bad because so few people use it in California and I can stretch out without being bothered. But on this day, my original train was “annulled” (or “aborted”) so everyone had to get on this OTHER train that was coming down for Portland. All aboard the Crusty Express. 

I was seated next to your run-of-the-mill Portland Crusty, except this one also happened to be a chatty pathological liar. Apparently, she had been addicted to heroin, homeless, then pregnant, given birth to twins, had a schizophrenic boyfriend, gotten her car stolen, gotten her identity stolen. And she was so hungry! I gave her an apple not because I felt for her (she was choking down some Honey Bunches of Oats as I boarded the train), so much as to pipe her down for a bit. You know, I really do try to give people the benefit of the doubt most of the time, so maybe she was telling the truth about her Life Story, in which case, I’d feel like a major B for mocking the drama of her Crust Life. But I have a Sixth Sense when it comes to sniffing out liars, and my Haley Joel Osment radar was going off like wo.   

When I got back to L.A. I practically ran to House of Spirits and got a bottle of Tisdale Shiraz ($3.28) that I drank half of on Lauren’s porch as I breathed in the comfort of the smog.

Poor Report Day 96 - 97 Stats

Total money spent: $3.28

Total free donuts eaten (over 2 days): 3 (pretty average) 

Total free meals: all

Acts of charity: 1 for a Crusty

Mood:  2 Live and (Not) Die (of Allergies) in L.A., and also, appreciative of my parents for giving me free food and shelter for 2 days.

The day began with a free Jaffa falafel sandwich courtesy of My Dad at a cash value of $10,000.00. Then I ran a bunch of errands with My Mom, which included scoring 9 free maps from Triple A (we’re making the move to Philly via Epic X-Country Road Trip), going to Goodwill (I got a tunic for $4), and engaging in our storied Mother-Daughter afternoon Frappucino tradition. That mocha coconut shit’s so good! I also got my bangs trimmed from the Aveda salon (also free).

At night I went to my friend Mary’s bridal shower, which was full of swag: endless margaritas, a 2006 prom-esque chocolate fondue fountain, and commemorative penis whistles. I really don’t get why penises/ “sillie” sexual innuendo still goes along with bachelorette stuff these days. But, whatever, I was awarded a pot of some herbs by winning a “party game” that was meant to, in some way, mimick oral sex.

Then came the *~bAchELOrEtTe pArtY~* portion of the night in all the RAD BARS in Downtown SLO. This was in some ways mortifying, but in other ways hilarious, and in even more ways, gratifying, i.e. free drinks all night.

I met up with Claudia later, who bought me the most ridiculous whiskey sour I’ve ever had (it was in a pint glass!), but we had to get chatted up by some local Slo Bros with a backdrop soundtrack of Sublime, P.O.D. and System of a Down from 7 years ago. Sometimes going home is a good way to reinforce the reasons why I left.  

Poor Report Day 95 Stats

Total money spent: $4.00

Total free meals: 2

Total free things acquired: 9 maps, 1 potted herb plant, 1 commemorative penis whistle

Total free drinks: 4+

Mood: high pollen count (“fresh provincial air”) = death, miss u smog :(

I took Amtrak home for the weekend and got to hang out in Union Station for a bit before my train left. I LOVE Union Station: the architecture, the hustle and bustle…the Wetzel’s Pretzels ($2.95 for a Pizza Pretzel). I also did something super bougey and actually bought a copy of The New Yorker. I feel guilty dropping dollas on things you can normally read for free online but you can’t even do that anymore! Plus, when I’m in the mood to actually use my brain for like, smart people things such as reading an entire New Yorker article about the death penalty, I really have to hold onto this feeling and discipline (guilt) myself into carrying it through. And if that comes at the cost of $5.99 (I mean jesus) SO BE IT.

Anyway, when I got into town I was presented with a **free** Tacos de Acapulco veggie burrito because my parents rule. 

Poor Report Day 94 Stats

Total money spent: $8.94

Total New Yorker articles actually read: over 5!!!!

Total free burritos: 1

Mood: grateful that I am not on death row in Texas (via New Yorker)

8:45 a.m. Miraculously, I only had to wait for the bus for 5 seconds before it came. Here it is! As you can see, you’re in for some thrilling photos from my thrilling day from my thrilling life! It’s too bad everyone on the bus was so normal. The previous day, I saw a giggling Asian tranny with a mustache and I see Black Larry David fairly regularly. (money spent: $1.50)

9:02 a.m. I ran into James Gandolfini and Marcia Gay Harden on my way from the bus stop! They were soooo friendly…we just laaaughed and laughed and laughed! Gotta love L.A.!

9:30 a.m. The view from my “office.” Great for morale to watch people play in that pool down below all day while we write “email blasts” and sit on Gchat in a cubicle that perpetually smells like fish and pregnant lady farts. 

12:30 p.m. Lunchtime! MMMmmmMMM. $3.25 for a 6-inch Veggie Delite that really just crumbles in your mouth. My coworker and I eat at our desks everyday because our boss makes us clock out whenever we leave. I’d rather stay inside and read the internet during lunch than forfeit the $5 in wages I’d be losing by sitting in the sun/ getting fresh air/ feeling like a human for 20 minutes. Pretty sure the unpaid breaks are illegal but whatever!

5:49 p.m. Jams for my walk home. “CLASSICAL MUSIC…CLASSICAL BITCH”

6:15 p.m. Still walking home: my fave *~street art*~ outside Club Bahia at Sunset/ Beaudry. Do y’all think it’s a Banksy????

6:20 p.m. Still on the walk home (Sunset/ Innes). Bet there was something super fun in that baggie!

Ok that’s it for the photos because once I got to my house I honestly forgot I was supposed to be capturing thrilling images of this typical Poor Day. Sorry! You’ll have to imagine photos of the following:

• Leftover “pasta with red sauce” for dinner
• Screenshots of “How I Met Your Mother” re-runs on the one channel we somehow get now
• Screenshots of “Sports Night” on Netflix Instant (many, many screenshots)
• 99 Cent Store “exfoliant” a.k.a Chernobylian chemicals funneled into ghetto/ generic Johnson & Johnson-esque packaging 
• Nyquil

Poor Report Day 93 Stats

Total money spent: $4.75

Total interesting things done: 1 (exfoliating, duh!)

Mood: content/ bored. They’re the same things right?

I’ve found that the best (“best” meaning most economical + most thoughtful/heart-warming) way to make change for the bus is by patronizing the neighborhood donut shop. I got a huge not-awful coffee and two quarters for $1.50, which I do a couple times a week; frequently enough that the Vietnamese husband and wife who run it will hook me up with a free donut from time to time. That day was not today, but that’s probably a good thing. My food stamps have been going straight to my ass anyway.  

It was the intern’s last day at work, so my boss sprung for a big feast of her favorite authentic Taiwanese dish of tofu/ brains. She also ordered this soup that smelled pretty good, so I was all about that at first, but then I found big-ass bones in it and wasn’t hungry anymore. :( :( :(  

I made up for the disappointing/ nauseating tofu brain feast with a $1 El 7 Mares fish taco feast. Apparently my going-away festivities have already begun, because Greg dropped some extra dollas on a half dozen oysters for us. Delicious, with an excitingly dangerous aftertaste of polluted saltwater. Total spent: $3! We had planned on going to Tiki-Ti to compliment our Pacific Ocean-themed night (I’ll miss that bitch), but it was CLOSED, so we settled for Cha Cha where I dropped $5 on a pathetic whiskey sour and cringed watching a couple on a first date.   

Poor Report Day 92 Stats

Total money spent: $11.00

Total free meals: technically 1 but do you count it if you just poke at it/ not actually consume it?

Mood: not ill from either bone soup or polluted oysters, so I would say “good”

As you can see from the photos above, today saw a hilarious addition to the Poor Report Free Stuff Acquired category. My boss, who has given me, among other things, a blu-ray copy of Burlesque, a pink leather diary with gold leaf paper, and Salvadoran puka shell jewelry, presented me with these glorious ”designer jean.” She got them from a relative’s “very expensive” company that was, allegedly, located on Rodeo Drive before it went bankrupt a few years ago. I can’t imagine why!

The tag on the jeans reads, “Misplaced Cowboy: Authentic Chinese Cowboy From Oklahoma.” I just…love this. I thought it would be only fitting for me to present these jeans to my friend Matt who’s moving to San Francisco, because I’m sure he fancies himself a misplaced cowboy of sorts (plus they were way too big for me! Like, borderline offensively too big. Trick, do I LOOK like I’m three sizes bigger than I actually am?? Anyway.). I gave them to him at his going away bash at the Gold Room and he was so thrilled he changed into them in the bathroom. I left before Matt did, but if they didn’t get him laid, I can’t imagine what possibly could.

Before I decided to give them to Matt, I looked up how much I would be able to sell these Rodeo Drive-worthy jeans for on eBay because to be honest, I would have loved to gotten some cash for them. But the look on Matt’s face when he saw them, the confidence he felt when he put them on, and my own self-satisfaction in giving someone an amazing present, was worth way more than $39.95 (shipping incl.).

Poor Report Day 91 Stats

Total money spent: $15.25 ($3.25 Subway sandwich + $10 at Gold Room w/ tips). Not thaaat bad considering the Gold Room money sucking vortex I normally get myself into, but I gotta impose a spending freeze on myself like I did in the Poor Report’s golden era of Days 1 through about 50. I look back on those times with a certain fondness, like my grandma looks back on her childhood during the Depression: there was the satisfaction of utilizing that Yankee ingenuity when it came to stealing I mean saving, the comfort found in the Simpler Things in Life, and getting skinnier/ hotter from not eating enough. g-l-a-m   

Total paychecks received: 2, one of which totaled a whopping $15! Which responsibly went straight to the Gold Room Fund.  

Total things jacked: 1 bag of Baked Lays from Subway

Total free things acquired: 1

Total amazing presents given: 1

Gold Room discount: $1 — was mysteriously charged $3 for a Gold Room Special instead of the usual $4….karma for the jean generosity?

Mood: misplaced cowgirl

Day 80 (4/21/11): Went to Prado by myself before the Kurt Vile show and practiced talking to strangers at the bar. I did a pretty good job! I’ve been out of the game-spitting game for awhile so it felt good to chat up a Prado Boy, who also happened to be going to see KV. Too bad I forgot about him as soon as KV came on stage. Sorry bout it, Regular Dude! Maybe when you can sing and songwrite your way into my <3. Total free drinks: 1 / Total KV-induced lady boners: 7 million /  Props to: Sarah (as usual); Prado Boy Regular Dude; Kurt Vile

Day 81 (4/22/11): Gold Room, THE END

Day 82 (4/23/11): Saw Dunes and some other bands at Freak City in Hollywood ($5). Ok this place is amazing because its Echo Curio-esque DIY juxtaposition in Hollywood…as in WHERE DA CLUBS @…is totally hilarious. Plus it’s in this building that used to be a fancy 3-story department store so there are some creepy Scarface vibes going on too. It’s unofficially BYOB so Greg and I went to CVS around the corner to get some tall cans, and were followed by a somewhat homeless dude who at first seemed pretty harmless, so we told him what we were up to (in vague terms). But his interest in a “$5 punk show” was piqued so we lied about where Freak City was BUT HE FOUND IT ANYWAY and acted out a little bit. I guess he didn’t harm anyone though, so I’m glad he found his “$5 punk show” affordable alternative to the $30+ Bad Religion shows he had complained about earlier. Ended the night at Garage Pizza aka heaven ($3.50 ish?) Total money spent: $9-ish / Rating of Freak City on a scale of Echo Curio to Tony Montana Compound: The Smell 

Day 83 (4/24/11): House-sat for Sarah, which basically consisted of snuggling with the magical border collie EDIE, walking her around the neighborhood and listening to records on the porch. More like Easter Funday! Total money spent: $5 (porch beers)

Day 84 (4/25/11): No idea, THE END

Day 85 (4/26/11): Got hooked up with a free beer from Prado courtesy of Origami Vinyl because I brought a record for Record Club (an Egyptian Lover 12”). I’m going to try to cash in on this ordeal more during my last month in L.A., but will try to punk the phony sophisticated vibes by bringing in more gangster rap. Total free beers: 1

Day 86 (4/27/11): Had to go to a boring-ass workshop for work and was “rewarded” (punished) with free lunch from my boss. I took a bite of something I *thought* was chicken but the texture was off and it was real smelly so I poked around in there a little and saw something with tentacles. Not chicken? Went to the Smell for Cold Showers/ Abe Vigoda ($5) and felt uncomfortable, socially. It’s time to leave L.A. Total money spent: $9 ($5 admission + $4 PBRs out of boredom) 

Day 87 (4/28/11):  Caleb comped my $0.59-cent tacos from Tacos Mexico (best deal in town!) and I met Megan for the Dirty Beaches show @ the Echo. DAmn, this boy be the finest AZN man I have ever seen. “Like… wo” (via Mya). Total money spent: $16 ($8 ticket + 2 beers) 

Day 88 (4/29/11): Played hooky from work and got lunch with Megan at Delilah. Y’all want some gooood sandwiches (BLT/ salami) go here. Y’all want to not get your iced tea in a timely fashion as requested, also go here. Chilled hard in the park at sunset, chilled a little too hard with Hannah, and went to Yvette’s party at Ernie’s house where the chilling got even harder. Apparently, I ate my last frozen tortilla espagannaloola or whatever from Trader Joe’s when we got home but I don’t even remember it. Total money spent: $9 (lunch)

Day 89 (4/30/11): HANGOVER/ AGONY/ PATRA BURGER/ HULU/ KITTEN AT A HOUSE PARTY  

Day 90 (5/1/11): Woke up bright and early for a day of basketball watching at Matt’s house; I brought donuts and coffee ($4.00) and got cable TV privileges and one of Matt’s “El Monterey Taco Picante” (or something) frozen burritos in exchange. *Poor Tip*: you can get two 8-count boxes of El Monterey frozen burritos for under $5 at the Food-4-Less on Sunset & Western (according to Matt, a brother in Poor). I half-negated the “Taco Picante Burrito” with **free** yoga at Sarah’s studio. I feel centered as shit!